THE IMPORTANCE OF THANKFULNESS

I remember it well. It was my tenth birthday, and my great grandfather had just given me a new fishing rod and reel. Without thinking, I ran out onto the lawn and started catching imaginary five-pound Rainbow trout out of my mother’s flower garden.  In my state of euphoria, I’d forgotten to thank him for my gift. Like a lightning bolt my mother shot out of the house, screen door smacking behind her. "What did you forget to say?" she asked with loving authority.

I was lucky enough to grow up in a home where three words were modeled and always expected. Two of them were "Thank you" and the third was "Please." We heard them use these words a lot. They used them with each other, with other adults, and with us. We learned early on that forgetting these words meant certain disapproval and potentially very sad consequences. As a result they became a habit.  Are your kids developing this habit? If not, it’s never too early to start.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Return to the top of the page

 

"BUT MY ANGER IS JUSTIFIED"

Some view their anger as justified because they are right and others are wrong. They believe that being right is the only ticket required to launch into an adult temper tantrum. But saying "He made me angry" implies that external events
require emotional intensity. The dad who links the trigger (what "made" him angry) and response (what he does with his anger) too closely ends up believing that others have made him the way he is. When parents do this, they often blame their kids for problems and rarely take responsibility for their own emotions. In many cases, of course, the child is indeed wrong. It isn't helpful, though, to expect our children to bear the responsibility of our anger in addition to what they did wrong. The mom who says, "I wouldn't have to get angry if my kids would listen the first time," has fallen into the trap of blaming her children for her angry responses.

The truth of the matter is that it doesn't take much intelligence to see something wrong, but it takes wisdom to know how to respond to it. There's a big difference between a button that pops up on a turkey to announce that it's done and a cook who knows how to make a great dinner. Some people are like those little turkey buttons—whenever something goes wrong they pop up with angry reactions and they try to justify abusiveness because they see a problem.

It's not enough to be right in life; parents also need to be wise. Real wisdom knows how to respond in a way that brings change, not revenge. As parents, we don't just want to punish our kids for doing something wrong; we want to help them change their hearts. Anger may reveal what's wrong, but it's rarely a good solution to a problem. Once you identify an offense, it's best to consider how to motivate change.

Return to the top of the page

 

"YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A PERFECT PARENT"

Do you ever find yourself feeling angry or frustrated and slipping into less-than-effective parenting practices? Despite my very best intentions, there are times when I just don’t handle things as well as I think I should. When this happens, I find it hard not to feel discouraged. Fortunately, you don’t have to be a perfect parent to raise really great kids! Your kids need to see you struggle. When they see you stumble a bit, pick yourselves back up, learn from your mistakes, and never give up, they learn to do the same.

While my own parents made their fair share of blunders, they never stopped learning and they’ve never stopped growing. Little did they know that they were doing what research shows is the most effective. Yes! The great psychologist, Albert Bandura, observed that children are far more likely to learn from imperfect “coping models” than those who never struggle or make mistakes.

The key is showing your kids that you are always learning. The most successful parents keep reading and listening to Love and Logic over and over. This repetition helps lock in the learning. A new, fun and FREE way to do this is by visiting the Dr. Fay Show on our website. Just click on the old-fashioned microphone and listen to my weekly radio show/podcast.
 

Return to the top of the page

 

THERE'S MORE TO GIVING INSTRUCTIONS THAT YOU REALIZE
 
There's more to giving instructions than just accomplishing tasks or getting children to do what parents say for the sake of convenience. Valuable lessons for life are hidden within the instruction process. Through instruction, children learn character and skills that will help them to be successful outside the home. They learn things like how to set aside their agenda for someone else, how to complete a job without Mom or Dad reminding them, how to report back when they're done, and how to be responsible when no one is watching.

Most importantly, children learn to respond to Mom and Dad so that they will have the necessary character to obey God as they grow older. Maybe that's why Solomon talks fifteen times in the book of Proverbs about the importance of listening to instructions. As you concentrate on a routine for giving instructions, you will pave the way for healthy spiritual relationships between your children and God. By teaching children to follow directions you help them develop the character they need to listen to God's instructions and obey him. It's a lot of work but the time you invest now has benefits that will last a lifetime. After all, as adults, we must also comply with instructions that we don't particularly like. Sometimes God asks us to do something we don't fully understand or wish we didn't have to do. Obedience usually requires work, self-discipline, and humility, qualities not easily found in society today.
The instruction process builds character by helping children learn to follow directions without arguing or complaining. When parents give up on giving instructions, they miss valuable teaching opportunities. That doesn't mean parents should just overpower their kids. If you work to implement an instruction routine, both you and your kids will benefit. You will learn how to teach your children to follow directions and have a godly response to instruction. The ramifications are important because as you do the daily work of parenting, your children are learning how to respond not only to you, but also to their future employers, team leaders, and ultimately to God.
 

Return to the top of the page

 

FRIENDS...WHEN OUR KIDS PICK ONES WE DON’T LIKE

Rather than fighting a losing battle over who our kids choose as friends, we’re far wiser to focus on upping the odds that our youngsters will make good decisions, even when their buddies don’t. Listed below are three quick tips:  Send strength messages.

"Hanging around Joe is going to get you in trouble," sends the message that your child is too weak to think for himself.
"It’s a good thing that Joe has a friend like you who makes good decisions," tells your child that he can think for himself.
Talk about the friend’s behavior rather than the friend.
Talking with your child about how "bad" a friend is implies that your child is bad for choosing them.
Wiser parents talk about the types of sad consequences a friend’s irresponsible behavior might bring about.
Allow your child to use you as the "bad guy."

Experiment with saying: If your friends ever pressure you to do something you don’t think is right, feel free to blame me for your not going along with them. You might just say, "My dad is so crazy, you never know what he will do."

Return to the top of the page
 

 

 

Return to the top of the page

 

WHEN TO HELP WITH HOMEWORK

Alex and Jason come home with the same math homework. Alex complains to his mom, "It’s just not fair. Mr. Jenson gives us too much homework. I don’t know how to do this. He never explains anything. You need to help me. It’s going to take too long!"  "How did he explain this homework?" asks mom.  "I don’t remember. You need to help me," says Alex.  Mom opens the book and points out the answers. She gets the task over quickly and then lectures,  "You’d better start paying attention in class!" 

Jason makes the same complaint to his mom.  "How did your teacher explain this homework?" asks mom.  "I don’t remember. You need to help me," says Jason.  "How sad," answers Mom. "I’ll be happy to help when you work harder on your schoolwork than me, and I know that you are listening in class." With that, she tells Jason to open his book and try to remember how the teacher told him to do the work. "You can watch your program when it’s finished," she tells Jason.

Which mom did the best job of parenting?  Which kid is more likely to start listening better in class?  I bet you know the answer.
 

Return to the top of the page
 

 

THE GUILT TRAP

Some parents look at the pain their children have already experienced in life and then use leniency to try to compensate. The leniency then often results in demandingness and poor character in their children.

Children who have suffered through divorce, death of a family member, or have had a major illness need extra care and love but they don't need parents to just give in. These parents end up with kids who have two problems: they are hurt and they lack character. Because you love your children you may feel like you want to spare them any more pain so you hesitate to confront, correct, set limits, or discipline. This can be counter-productive. Instead, increase the love while continuing the firmness your child needs.

When you hear those words in your head, "she's already been through so much. . ." then it's time to step back and evaluate the situation and what you're teaching about life. One helpful solution is to develop a philosophy of discipline. Actually write out some key principles that will carry you through when you feel weak:

A. We all must learn to live within limits.
B. Unfairness is inevitable in life so our response to it is more important than balancing the scales.
C. Character is important and is often learned through difficulties.
D. Trials and problems can bring out the best in people.

Children who have struggles in life not only need heavier doses of love, but they often need heavier doses of firmness too in order to overcome a tendency toward self pity, demandingness, or selfishness. Lovingly guide your children to gain the most from their struggles and develop the character they need to be successful in life.
 

Return to the top of the page
 

 

THE PATH TO POSITIVE SELF-CONCEPT

Over the past three decades, psychologists have placed huge emphasis on the importance of having a positive self-concept. Rightly so! How we feel about ourselves may be the single most important factor affecting how motivated we are to succeed in school, the types of friends we select, the person we marry, etc.

Due to its undisputed importance, people have spent tremendous energy trying different approaches to give kids good self-concepts. Listed below are just a few of the many tactics that have created selfish kids rather than ones with a good sense of self:
Constant praise
Ensuring that they are always the center of attention
Making sure that they never encounter any hardships
Buying them everything they want
Rescuing them from the consequences of their misbehavior
Setting no limits so that they can "express their creativity"
There’s only one approach that really works, and it’s based on the following age-old truism:

The best way to feel good is to do something good.

When parents place a high emphasis on good and respectful behavior, children look at themselves and think, "I act pretty darn good and responsible. I must be pretty darn good and responsible."

True self-concept is developed when children encounter struggles, are taught how to overcome these struggles, and see themselves acting in respectful and responsible ways. Stated quite simply, self-concept is an inside job.

 

Return to the top of the page

 

THE SOLUTION ISN'T JUST BIGGER CONSEQUENCES

Some problems that children face are more difficult than others. The child who is annoying, who habitually teases, or who is explosively angry are just a few examples. Out of frustration, some parents think that the child needs bigger and bigger consequences. They believe that the bigger the consequence, the faster the change.

Remember that the goal is a changed heart, not just punishment for doing wrong. A larger consequence may be needed to get the child's attention but the real work takes place by helping children adjust the way they think and the patterns of behavior that have developed over time. Often many small corrections are more effective than one large consequence.

Mature people will feel an internal pain when they discover that they’ve made a mistake or done the wrong thing. This is normal and healthy. Your child may not experience that same inner sense yet. Consequences create a kind of pain for children. This pain can motivate right behavior and get them moving in the right direction.

One example of this is the parent who decided to take away the privilege of riding a bike from her nine-year-old son. She said, "Son, I'm not just taking the bike away for a day. I'm taking the bike away until I see some progress in the way you're treating me when I call you in for dinner. We'll see how you do for two days and if I see a good response then you can play with your bike again." Mom turned the discipline around so that the child had to earn back the privilege. She wanted to see several positive change points before she allowed her son to ride his bike again.

Kids often need a multi-faceted approach to help them change. Teaching about sensitivity, self-control, respect or another quality will also go a long way to help children change their minds and thus free them to change their hearts as well.

Return to the top of the page
 

 

UNDERSTANDING ATTITUDES AND HOW TO CHANGE THEM

"Attitude" is a shorthand term used to summarize many different feelings, thoughts, and behaviors all at the same time. Various triggers provoke attitudes and simply hearing a word or seeing a sign can change a person's perspective. All Mom has to do is say Derek with that certain voice, for instance, and Derek knows she is going to ask him to do something. He responds with "Yeah, wadaya want!" Victoria gets to school and sees a pink slip taped to her locker again. She doesn't even read it but rolls her eyes and groans knowing that it's a call to the office. Triggers like these quickly move people into attitudes that help determine how they will respond to a situation.

Attitudes actually have three components: acting, feeling, and thinking. Each one is useful in the change process. The behavior is a flag to see the problem and know where to target the change. The emotion helps you know when to correct, and the thinking shows you what you need to address.

Many parents only focus on the first component, behavior, telling kids to "stop pouting," or "Don't roll your eyes at me." Furthermore, these parents tend to focus only on what not to do instead of what the child should do. It usually isn't helpful just to tell a child to "Stop having a bad attitude" without giving more guidance for developing a better response.

Remember that the goal of discipline is not just to make your children less annoying. As you correct your children for bad attitudes, you are preparing them for the future. After all, they will experience similar situations continually throughout their lives.

Look for ways to help your children think differently. Listening carefully to your child can help you identify thinking errors that lead to a bad attitude. What hidden belief might Jeremy, age ten, have? He complains and argues when you ask him to do the dishes? Maybe he believes, "Chores are an interruption to my life." If pressed, he may also reveal a belief, "All work is hard and unpleasant, and I must try to avoid it." A positive attitude about work comes from several new values such as "Work is necessary in order to brings benefits to me and to others" or "My contribution to family life is a statement of gratefulness for what I have."

Changing attitudes requires exposure to new ways of thinking. You can provoke your children to more healthy attitudes through dialogue, modeling, and correction.


Return to the top of the page
 

 

A VERY SPECIAL TYPE OF GANG

I want every child to get heavily involved in gang activities as early in life as possible. That's right! Gangs are great for kids. That is, as long as the "gang" is the child's family.

Let me clarify. Children who feel like they are part of a gang at home are far less likely to join a gang outside of the home. Kids who feel starved for belonging, structure, the predictability of rituals, and power, will look to meet these needs wherever they can.

We can learn a lot from street gangs:

Members are given special nicknames
There are clear limits or rules
Members are expected to contribute by performing specific tasks
Traditional rites of passage are adhered to firmly
Families that provide such things seem to raise the happiest and most responsible kids. There's something about being called by an affectionate nickname that makes one feel loved and valued. Clear and consistent limits leave us feeling safe. Being expected to complete chores meets the need to be needed. Sitting together for family meals, participating in religious services, and creating unique family traditions gives us a sense of predictability and tradition.

Return to the top of the page

 

 

 

ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH FOR MISTAKES?

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to raise respectful and responsible kids! It's not easy to set and enforce limits when we know that doing so will probably make our kids really upset in the short term.  Allowing our children to make mistakes can be one of the scariest things of all. It can be scary to watch them…

• staying up too late
• forgetting to put away their toys
• refusing to eat their dinner
• forgetting to bring their homework to school
• going outside on a cool day without their coat
• leaving their bicycle unlocked at school
• using their allowance to buy a toy that will surely break
• spending all of their money on a car stereo when their car doesn't even run

In our book, Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood, we teach that mistakes made early in life are far better bargains than those made later on. When we are brave enough to allow little mistakes, our children are far less likely to make really big ones.

Return to the top of the page